Apple no longer makes an iPhone I actually want to buy

Content warning: contains First World problems.

As my phone contract came to an end last month, I found myself faced with a familiar dilemma: to upgrade, or to stick with my current device. Normally I'd stick – the pressure to switch phones every couple of years has never sat right with me; surely a device that cost just shy of a grand needn't become e-waste in just twenty-four months. But this time my fingers were pleading, nay, begging for change. They'd simply had enough of trying to stretch their way around my iPhone 14 Pro. They yearned for the comfort of smaller iPhones of yore – the 5S, the SE, the 13 mini.

I've been whinging on here about phones getting bigger for a while now. As somebody who is digitally challenged (by which I mean I have small digits), I've always preferred a phone that fits comfortably in one hand, rather than requiring three. The 14 Pro was an experiment to see whether I could adjust to this brave new world of 'phablets', and it wasn't for me. But to my horror and dismay, my contract ended just days after Apple killed off the last small phone in its line up. Apple might make some of the best camera phones, but I wish they weren't the size of cameras.

Instead of launching an iPhone SE 4 and continuing the tradition of providing a smaller budget model, Apple dashed my hopes by replacing the iPhone SE 3 with the new iPhone 16e. It's a phone that's just as large as the standard iPhones from the 12 onwards at 6.1-inches, just with fewer features; no multi-lens camera setup, no MagSafe, not even a particularly affordable price. I genuinely don't understand the iPhone 16e.

And so, to get something close to the phone I actually wanted, instead of upgrading I was going to have to downgrade. While for the first time ever Apple now sells no small phones, it just so happened that the official Apple refurbished store had 2021's iPhone 13 mini in stock (these come and go, and will likely disappear for good come September) for a substantially reduced price. So I went ahead and bought the phone I used to have before upgrading to my current model.

Alas, dear reader, the happy ending you are hoping for was not to be. Nostalgia alone does not a good phone make. While the form factor of the 13 mini remains a delight, from a performance perspective, the four year-old phone showed its age far more than I had hoped. The main issue is battery – Apple ships even refurbished models with the latest software, and iOS 18 was built for newer phones. I'd read reports of iOS 18 borking the battery of the 13 mini, and I found it to have much less stamina than the 13 mini I used with iOS 15 in 2021.

And there are a few minor quality of life issues too – the lack of USB-C, notch instead of Dynamic Island, slightly stuttering animations, 60hz display. In short, the 13 mini just felt older and tireder than I expected, to the point that after a few days I returned it to Apple.

I now face the heartbreaking, devastating and downright desolate reality that the perfect iPhone for me no longer exists. I must either settle for carrying a brick in my pocket, or using an old device that compromises on performance and will likely stop receiving security updates in the coming years. Sure, larger screens are better for consuming media, but what about those of us who prefer not to use our phone as a brain-rotting content machine? Don't I already have my iPad for that? I suppose there's only one thing for it. It's back to the dumbphone I go.